Back to school

Man, it's quiet around here. Almost too quiet. Almost.

The kids are back in school.

*Tyler had a pretty decent first day of 9th grade, declaring two of his teachers "really cool" ("My English teacher is like the guy from the old Willy Wonka!"*) and only one "kinda scary". He's at a brand new high school that's divided into smaller learning communities, so he has all of his classes except one in the same building. It's a beautiful campus.

*McKenzie had a crap first day of 5th grade. She really likes her new teacher, but has none of her old friends in her new class. The one girl she thought she'd get along with was moved to a different class. She tried hanging out with her old gang at recess, but they ditched her. Luckily, in the past few days she's found some new friends and is getting settled in.

*Elise is giddy with excitement over 3rd grade. She has her same teacher as last year (who is awesome) and plenty of friends. I'm relieved to not have to worry about her.

*Sydney has been waiting to go to "real" school forever, and is very excited her kindergarten days have finally arrived. I felt like a jerk her first day, being the only parent without a camera to document this milestone. I took pictures at home before we left. Do I really need a picture of her walking into class for the first time ever? (That wasn't a rhetorical question--lie if you have to.)

I have two hours until Syd's bus brings her home and then another hour and a half until it's time to pick up Tyler and then another hour and a half until it's time to pick up the girls. So what to do in the meantimes? What to do, what to do...

*Who wouldn't want Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka for their English teacher??

More random conversational tidbits

Overheard out of context.

Elise: Syd, if you have a baby in front of your husband then that baby's going to get eaten by your husband.

I don't know what this was about, but I blame Animal Planet.

~

Special request for Tyler.

Me: Can you like not make your digestive issues into a song?

It's like a 24-hr gas station around here.

~

Family together time.

McKenzie flips hair over her face and makes indecipherable barnyard noise.

Tyler: You sould like a dying goat.

Me: Why would a cow have no face and long hair?

Kenzie: I was being Chewy!

Me: Oh!

Tyler, laughing hysterically: Why would a cow have no face and long hair?

Me: That's what I wanted to know!

And I'm totally not getting "Why would a cow have no face?" thrown at me every. single. day.
~

Summer sum-up.

McKenzie: But we're your children. It's our job to annoy the crap out of you.

I love my kids.

Tyler goes to camp

Tyler's been at scout camp all week. It's been strange around here without him. I've tried pouring on the sarcasm to try to fill the empty space he left behind, but it's not the same and I'm not so sure my girls have appreciated my efforts.

Here's a few Tyler moments I found on a random scratch pad.

Watching tv, sitting next to Tyler.

Me: Ew!
Nate: What'd he do?
Me: He licked my elbow! That's the second time today!

Don't worry, there hasn't been a third time.

~

Dinner conversations.

Tyler: Turtles can breathe through their butts.
McKenzie: No, they can't.
Tyler: Yes, they can. Look it up!

It's true.

~

I have no recollection of the context.

Tyler, completely straight-faced: I'm pretty good at lying. The only reason you didn't believe me was because what I said was ridiculous. But my voice and facial expressions gave nothing away.

He's an excellent liar (in a mostly harmless/ha-fooled you! way), which is why I now question everything that comes out of his mouth. Everything.

Here comes the smolder

In the car with Tyler.

Tyler: Are those zebra stripes on your sunglasses?

Me: Yeah, aren't they cool?

Tyler: just shakes his head.

Me: What, do my sunglasses embarrass you?

Tyler: Kind of.

Me: Right, you know you want some.

Tyler: Eyeroll.

I start to sing along with the CD.

Tyler, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, subtly leans over to turn up the volume.

I continue to sing.

Tyler turns up the volume again.

Me: Hey, that's getting a little loud.

Tyler: Yeah, I'm trying to distract myself from your singing.

Me: Harumph.

Next song I opt not to sing, but dance.

Tyler turns off the radio.

Me: Hey, I wasn't even singing to that one.

Tyler, shaking his head: Yeah, but there was nothing I could do to distract me from (makes up and down hand gesturing in my direction) that.

Me, with a pouty lip: Hey.

Tyler shoots me a look.

Me: Is that your smolder?

Tyler: Yeah, I'm pretty proud of it.

It's a pretty impressive smolder.

So this middle aged thing...

A couple of weeks ago, as I was helping the kids get ready for bed, I suddenly caught a glimpse of my hand and thought, "Whose hand is that?" Actually, it was more like, "Good frick! Whose old lady hand is that?!" It was wrinkly and veiny and...old. I had a momentary freakout. And when I say freakout, I mean there was a loud display of shock and dismay and just general irrational freakoutedness. My family laughed at me, but I was having a seriously intense moment of middle age crisis. Sydney came down for a drink of water later that night, and as she hugged me goodnight again she said, "I'm sorry your hands got old."

Every 4th of July, my brother and sister-in-law throw a huge Independence Day bash for Nate's side of the family. There's a different theme every year. Last year was the Amazing Race. This year it was Minute to Win It, based on a television game show where contestants have a minute to perform various random tasks. I did surprisingly well, making it into the final round of competition (there were just four of the original forty left). The final task was called paper dragon (follow the link for a video demonstration), in which each player had to un-spool two large rolls of party streamers with a continuous windmill motion of the arms. I made a valiant effort, but in the end was outdone by a 15 and 10 year old. The next morning, I could not move my shoulders without excruciating pain. The pain settled into a throbbing ache by the end of day two, and by day four I was able to wield my hair dryer without wanting to cry. I kept thinking I was just too old for this stuff.

While we were visiting with family this past week I had the lovely opportunity to see the latest Twilight movie with six of my sisters-in-law and two teenage nieces. I've decided that these movies must be seen in groups, but if you're bringing teenagers along be prepared to duck and cover when the screaming starts. After the movie, there was the obligatory discussion of who was hotter---a discussion I always have a difficult time participating in because these are young men. Like, young men. And we've already established that I am no longer a young woman. I think I brought up the cougar factor, which led to a discussion of what constitutes a cougar. Some in our group thought you would have to be at least 40 to be granted cougar status, but I said if I'm old enough to be their mother then that did it for me. I am thoroughly creeped out by the idea of someone my age finding my teenage son sexually attractive. Thoroughly.

So now I find myself thinking, if I put any stock in that old you're only as old as you feel bit, I am royally screwed.

Tales from the road

In the car.

McKenzie: I've got a wedgie.
Sydney: Don't say that, McKenzie. That's inappropriate.
Tyler: Probably from me.
McKenzie: No, probably from me.
Tyler: I say that, too.
McKenzie: Yeah, but not as much as me because you're the one always saying the inappropriate things.

That's a true statement.

~

Still in the car.

Nate: We're coming up on the cinnamon bathroom. Should we stop?
Me: Anyone need to use the bathroom?
Elise: Yes!
Me: McKenzie, do you want to use the bathroom?
McKenzie: Yes, very much so.
Sydney: This is the best bathroom in the whole wide world.

Another true statement.

~

Bedtime, towards the end of our stay.

Elise: Time is mean. Whenever you're having fun, it goes by fast. Whenever you're having so much not fun, it goes by slow.

Wisdom beyond her years.

~

And the highlight of the trip. For me.

McKenzie: You're good at painting nails.
Me: It's easier when you're not doing it to yourself. Plus, I'm old---I've had more practice.
McKenzie: You're not old, you're middle-aged.

Awesome.

Signs of Summer

Tucking Elise into bed last night.

Me: Cheer camp's tomorrow---you're going to have to get up a little earlier.

Elise: What time is cheer camp?

Me: Nine o'clock.

Elise: Nine o'clock in the morning?!

Nine is the new six.

Cuckoo for coconuts

One evening.

Elise: Can I have a bunny?
Me: No.
Elise: Can I please have a bunny?
Me: You know you can’t have a bunny. I don’t know why you keep asking me, you will never wear me down.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?

A few minutes later.

Tyler: Can I have a coconut?
Me: Like for a pet?
Tyler: No, just to have.
Me: What would you do with it?
Tyler: I’d cut it in half and bang it together to make horse sounds. I could gallop to and from school.

Speechless.

Tyler says "Ugh!" to drugs

A while back, Tyler came home from school with these:



Um, why?

Bear in mind, Tyler is in 8th grade.

Hey Tyler, want to smoke some weed?

Back off, man. I don’t have time for your uncool drugs. Can’t you see I’m measuring here?

Seriously, what is the purpose?

Occasionally the kids say something amusing

Doing McKenzie’s hair.

Me: OK, I kind of did these braids lopsided.

McKenzie: I don’t care. Nobody else is going to care. Only my loving mother. Who cares just a little too much.

It’s funny ’cause it’s true.



At the breakfast table, just after McKenzie has moisturized her face.

McKenzie: Why does dead skin always gather where my mustache should be?

Me: Should be?

McKenzie: Yeah, it’d be cool to have a mustache.

It’s actually not. Cool. Not that I would know. Ahem.

---

Tyler has a new recipe for exclamations.

…

In the middle of a very important video game.

Me: Tyler, you need to get your piano practicing done.

Tyler: Crap sauce!


Dinner time.

Tyler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Chicken and mashed potatoes.

Tyler: Awesome sauce!


On a Monday afternoon.

Me: No piano lessons today–they’ll start back up next week.

Tyler: Score sauce!

Secret’s in the sauce.

---

A different kind of recipe.

Sydney, whispering in my ear really close with hot breath: You’re my best love.

Three parts adorable, one part creepy.


I was upstairs, Syd was downstairs. Then I was downstairs, too.

Sydney, holding up a stuffed animal: Look! I cut the strings off the tag all by myself, and I didn’t even cut off my fingers!

Should I be concerned that that was a risk she seemed willing to take when she decided to wield the scissors?

---

In the car.

Elise: I want my husband’s name to be Nick or John. Or something else if he’s awesome. Nick or John would have to be awesome, too, of course. But if he was super awesome, I wouldn’t care what his name was.

Husband wanted: only awesome Nicks or Johns or super awesome non-Nicks or non-Johns need apply.

Born of awesomeness

Mid-conversation with McKenzie.

Me: Aren’t I full of awesomeness?
McKenzie: Yes. And that means I was born of awesomeness, which makes me the most awesome of all.

Hard to argue with that.


At the dinner table.

McKenzie: Ew, I got gravy on my elbow. Mom, could you get me a napkin?
Elise: Just lick it off.
McKenzie: I can’t lick my own elbow. That’s impossible.
Tyler, in all seriousness: It’s not impossible, but not everybody can do it. I looked on youtube for instructions how to, and it said if you can’t do it after following the instructions, then you just don’t have that talent.

Also born of awesomeness.

Tyler goes to school

Tyler does his homework on his laptop and then e-mails it to me so I can proofread and print it.
He likes to get cute with his subject lines:

“OH YEAH! KOOL-AID!”

“STOOPEED BOOK REEPOORT THEENG”

“Fridge”

“SOOSHAL STOODIES PAPEER LALOOLOOOLOLOLALALLAOOOLAOALOLAOOLLLLLAOOAOAL”

“SOCIAL STUDIES CRAP”

“BUTTS”

And apparently he’s counting on me to read over his assignments carefully because he’ll embed all kinds of nonsense in the middle of his work:

2.) Jimmy was a man, he was a man with a dream. He dreamed of eating leprechauns while they slept, and punching jaguars. Jimmy was a scary person. Sometimes he locked up cats in boxes and threw them at the ice cream man. Then the boxes exploded, and cats would fly in every direction. The ice cream man didn’t like Jimmy. The cats like the ice cream man though. They stick to him with their claws like an opossum on a Christmas tree. It was funny. Sometimes the ice cream man would say bad words, and the mama potato would have to cover up her baby potatoes’ ears. If those baby potatoes heard just one of them one time they’d be yelling it across the neighborhood for months, so it’s best to make sure their ears are covered when Jimmy throws his cats at the ice cream man.

Sometimes he’s less subtle:

His social studies class did a unit about checks and balances, which culminated in a major paper they worked on in segments. For one assignment, they had to write their lead paragraph for their teacher to review.

Me: Did you turn in your lead paragraph?

Tyler: Yeah, Mr. C said it was good.
Me: Did he give you any suggestions—anything you need to fix?
Tyler: No, he didn’t actually say anything. He just kind of read it and then set it back on my desk and moved on to the next person.
Me: And this is the same as him telling you it was good?
Tyler: Well, he didn’t say anything bad.
Me: How often do you lie to me?
Tyler: I don’t know. It’s not like I’m keeping track.

I don’t bother to keep track either.

Things to scratch off the bucket list

#381: See Scar do a double axel in spandex.

I was not prepared.

The girls, however, had a great time at Disney on Ice.

Doesn't Syd looked overwhelmed with joy and excitement?

She's a little more convincing here:

I don't know what Elise enjoyed more, the cars...

...or the cotton candy...

It was a good time, but I'm still kicking myself over that $10 lemonade.

Potty humor

We also went to the pumpkin patch with Sydney's preschool class last Halloween. McKenzie insisted I take a picture of this:

A closer look:

That's all I have to say about that.

A Halloween Post

Here's some pics of the kids in their Halloween garb.

McKenzie as The Cat in the Hat:

Elise as The Cheerleader:

Sydney as The Black Cat:

Halloween ended up being a pretty busy day, so the girls didn’t get out trick-or-treating until after 7:30 pm. I was a little worried we wouldn’t be able to employ our annual Halloween candy strategy. You don’t have a Halloween candy strategy? I’m not talking about mapping out a trick-or-treating route or going to the houses with the best loot or anything like that. Let me explain.

My first few Halloweens I was a total sucker, buying and passing out the good stuff only to have my children come home with gummy thumbs and chocolate eyeballs and Arby’s restaurant mints that had been scrounged from the bottom of someone’s purse or pocket or something. (The wrappers wrinkled and covered in lint and crumbs are kind of a tip off, cheapo restaurant mint passer-outers. If you think no one has noticed, you’re wrong.) Then I started buying the cheapo stuff like smarties and the bubble gum that’s rock hard by Veteran’s Day. The problem with that is if you overestimate the number of trick-or-treaters you’re likely to have, then you’re still stuck with the crap.

A few years ago, I finally figured out that if you send your kids out early enough, they can come home, sort the undesirable and inedible from the good stuff, and then you can turn around and pass it out to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters and keep the good candy for yourself. I know, it’s diabolical. But pretty much in keeping with the whole spirit of the holiday, no?

They ended up getting home in plenty of time, but the parade of trick-or-treaters had really tapered off by about 8:30 pm, and we still had plenty of candy of the undesirable, inedible variety left in our bowl. Nate tried to turn the porch light off at 9 pm, but I told him to leave it on just in case we got a few stragglers. I instructed Tyler and McKenzie to make sure the bowl was clear of any stuff worth keeping, and to just dump the entire contents of the bowl into the outstretched bag of anyone who dared trick-or-treat past 9 pm.

At 9:15 the doorbell rang and McKenzie dumped as instructed. We turned off the porch light and locked the door. Our house is now completely devoid of all the abominations that people try to pass off as Halloween candy. Complete mission success this year, my friends, complete mission success.

Yes, occasionally I do feel some pangs of guilt for re-treating something that I deem unworthy of my own family’s consumption. But some of these kids come from the very homes that are passing out this stuff, and while it would be helpful to have every child carry a sample of the offerings from their own homes so that one might be better able to judge what candy of which they are worthy, that’s not really realistic, is it?

So yes, innocents may fall victim to the particular brand of Halloween candy justice we dispense here at Casa de Sumsion (I might be giving your child a box of Dots at the very moment you are generously dropping a king-snize Snickers into my child’s sack), but I can live with the collateral damage if it means I never again have to look at another Now and Later or Laffy Taffy or flavored Tootsie Roll collecting dust in my pantry.

Hey, it would be wasteful to just throw it away.

Plus, some people like that kind of stuff.

I am not a monster!

Every day is mother's time day

Because I had someone actually request an update on the blog, here are some funny kidspeak moments.


Sitting in church.

Elise: Can I get a drink of water?
Me: Wait ’til he’s done speaking.
Elise: Why?
Me: It’s rude to get up while someone is speaking.
Elise: But I’m not even listening to it. Can I get a drink of water now?

I’m right behind you.


Family game time.

Me: Which dwarf is missing from this list: Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, Happy, Doc?
Tyler: Happy?
Me: I said Happy.
McKenzie: Sleepy?
Me: I said Sleepy.
Kids: Silence.
I make my best Bashful face.
McKenzie: Dopey!
Me: I said Dopey!
Time runs out.
Me: I was giving you a hint!
McKenzie: Yeah, I know. That was totally Dopey!

I’m thinking this could be a vital clue to what went wrong in my dating years.


In the car.

Sydney: Mom, you’re the best mom in the whole world. When it’s Mother’s Time Day I’m going to make you a necklace out of beads.

Can’t wait.


Watching Enchanted, the ball scene.

Elise: That’s weird how people dance with other people’s mates.
Tyler: Mates? What do you think this is? Africa?
McKenzie: Africa?
Tyler, with a hel-lo attitude: You know, like Lion King? What did you think I meant?

Well, duh.


Tyler belchfest while I’m getting ready to put dinner on the table.

McKenzie: Tyler, please don’t eat the beans.
Tyler: I have ways to make gas that you don’t even know of. I don’t need to eat the beans.

They’ve been telling us he’s gifted for years. They had no idea.