Minding my own business.
Sydney: Your teeth are kind of yellowish.
Me: Yeah, my teeth are kind of yellowish.
Sydney: They're like the color of pee.
All righty then.
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's a good thing my self esteem isn't dependent on my 6 year old
Minding my own business.
Sydney: Your teeth are kind of yellowish.
Me: Yeah, my teeth are kind of yellowish.
Sydney: They're like the color of pee.
All righty then.
Oh, Tyler
Driving home from school.
Tyler, laughing: Did you see that dog hanging out the window?
Me: No, I missed it.
Tyler: I want to have a dog and train it to stick its head out the window and be my turn signal.
Me: Like doing the arm signals?
Tyler: Yes! That would be so awesome!
That would be pretty awesome.
~
Random moment.
Tyler to Kenzie: Ever wish you were a noodle?
Blank look from Kenzie.
Tyler: So it's just me?
Yeah, pretty sure it's just you.
~
Primping for school.
Tyler: I feel like my head's like a balloon. If I squash down the sides, the top goes up. If I squash down the top, the sides go out.
I feel like that about my entire body.
~
At the dinner table.
Tyler: Awww, my green beans are cold...like my soul.
Kenzie, deadpan between bites: You can say that again.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
~
After messing with mom.
Tyler: When I'm on my death bed, I'm going to write a book about all the ways to mess with people's minds and then pass it on to my grandchildren or something.
See, I told you.
~
Watching Pride and Prejudice---the part where Elizabeth storms upstairs after Lady C's visit.
Elise: Why is she so upset?
Me: Because that lady told her she wasn't good enough to marry her nephew.
Elise: Aren't they engaged though?
Me: Well, he asked her before, but she thought he was a jerk so she said no, and now she knows he isn't a jerk, but she doesn't know if he still wants to marry her.
Tyler: I had an experience like that once.
Oh, Tyler.
Tyler, laughing: Did you see that dog hanging out the window?
Me: No, I missed it.
Tyler: I want to have a dog and train it to stick its head out the window and be my turn signal.
Me: Like doing the arm signals?
Tyler: Yes! That would be so awesome!
That would be pretty awesome.
~
Random moment.
Tyler to Kenzie: Ever wish you were a noodle?
Blank look from Kenzie.
Tyler: So it's just me?
Yeah, pretty sure it's just you.
~
Primping for school.
Tyler: I feel like my head's like a balloon. If I squash down the sides, the top goes up. If I squash down the top, the sides go out.
I feel like that about my entire body.
~
At the dinner table.
Tyler: Awww, my green beans are cold...like my soul.
Kenzie, deadpan between bites: You can say that again.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
~
After messing with mom.
Tyler: When I'm on my death bed, I'm going to write a book about all the ways to mess with people's minds and then pass it on to my grandchildren or something.
See, I told you.
~
Watching Pride and Prejudice---the part where Elizabeth storms upstairs after Lady C's visit.
Elise: Why is she so upset?
Me: Because that lady told her she wasn't good enough to marry her nephew.
Elise: Aren't they engaged though?
Me: Well, he asked her before, but she thought he was a jerk so she said no, and now she knows he isn't a jerk, but she doesn't know if he still wants to marry her.
Tyler: I had an experience like that once.
Oh, Tyler.
Day and night with Elise
Trying to drag her out of bed in the morning.
Elise, whining: The only reason I like to get up in the morning is to eat.
I'm with her.
~
Goodnight conversations.
Elise: Would you rather be stinky with good breath or smell good with bad breath?
Me: I think I'd rather smell good with bad breath 'cause you can always keep your mouth closed.
Elise: Yeah, me too.
What about you?
Elise, whining: The only reason I like to get up in the morning is to eat.
I'm with her.
~
Goodnight conversations.
Elise: Would you rather be stinky with good breath or smell good with bad breath?
Me: I think I'd rather smell good with bad breath 'cause you can always keep your mouth closed.
Elise: Yeah, me too.
What about you?
Kenzie's doodles
I have a hard time throwing away any of McKenzie's school papers because there are always hidden treasures on the back:
The other day I rescued one she'd been using for a bookmark from a library book right before we were going to return it. McKenzie thought it would be funny to leave it for the next person who checked out the book, but I didn't want to part with it. I think she's decided that might be her new thing, though---a McKenzie calling card in random library books. Wouldn't that just make your day?
The other day I rescued one she'd been using for a bookmark from a library book right before we were going to return it. McKenzie thought it would be funny to leave it for the next person who checked out the book, but I didn't want to part with it. I think she's decided that might be her new thing, though---a McKenzie calling card in random library books. Wouldn't that just make your day?
Sometimes we forget how funny our 6 year old is
FYI.
Sydney: Boyfriends aren't supposed to burp in girlfriends' faces.
Sing it, sister.
~
Last year's kindergarten separation anxiety.
Sydney: I wish I could make two of myselves--one to go to school and one to follow you.
Yeah, uh, me too. A-hem.
~
This one's from last school year too.
Sydney: I want to pretend to be a dog--like after school or when I have free days or during Christmas break. But if you ever want to take me for a walk, could you take me inside so my clothes don't get all ruined and I don't get hurt? When I have clothes on when I'm a dog, just pretend that I don't have clothes on because people who put clothes on their dog are weird.
She really thought this thing through.
~
Mother-daughter time.
Sydney: I love you. I love you more than anyone in the world. I love you a thousand in my heart.
*Heart melting*
~
Sharing a donut.
Me: Do you want any more?
Sydney: No, my tummy's full from that granola bar I just had.
Me: I had a granola bar, too.
Sydney: And you can still eat more donut?
Me: Yeah, I'm a little piggy. *snort*
Sydney: Yeah, you're like an animal!
But she loves me a thousand in her heart!
~
Looking for the My Little Pony moms to go with the My Little Pony babies.
McKenzie: Do these ones even have moms?
Sydney: Yeah, everyone has moms. Except for hobos!
McKenzie: Hobos have moms.
Sydney: No they don't!
I think she figures they must not have moms since no one is taking care of them.
~
On our way home from the library, a car cuts in front of us in an intersection.
McKenzie: Woah! I'm so glad we didn't crash!
Sydney: Yeah, 'cause then we'd all be dead. And then we wouldn't be able to read our library books. That's a reason why it's good to not crash.
As good as any, I guess.
~
Overheard mid-conversation between Sydney and her doll.
Sydney: When you're a grown-up you don't play on the computer. You have to do important stuff like check your e-mail or play Scrabble.
Doll: Oh, I don't like Scrabble.
Sydney: See, wouldn't you like to be a kid still?
Yes, very important grown-up stuff.
~
Random moment.
Sydney: I can't feel my nostrils.
Hey, I can't feel mine either.
~
Getting ready for church, I pull out a hand-me-down denim jumper.
Me: Would you like to wear this today?
Sydney, giggling: Yes! That's so cute---it's like a lederhosen dress!
Me: laughing
Later that day...
Sydney: Remember when I said that thing about the lederhosen dress?
Me: Yes.
Sydney: That was funny.
Me: Yes, it was funny.
Sydney: You should write that down.
Good idea.
Sydney: Boyfriends aren't supposed to burp in girlfriends' faces.
Sing it, sister.
~
Last year's kindergarten separation anxiety.
Sydney: I wish I could make two of myselves--one to go to school and one to follow you.
Yeah, uh, me too. A-hem.
~
This one's from last school year too.
Sydney: I want to pretend to be a dog--like after school or when I have free days or during Christmas break. But if you ever want to take me for a walk, could you take me inside so my clothes don't get all ruined and I don't get hurt? When I have clothes on when I'm a dog, just pretend that I don't have clothes on because people who put clothes on their dog are weird.
She really thought this thing through.
~
Mother-daughter time.
Sydney: I love you. I love you more than anyone in the world. I love you a thousand in my heart.
*Heart melting*
~
Sharing a donut.
Me: Do you want any more?
Sydney: No, my tummy's full from that granola bar I just had.
Me: I had a granola bar, too.
Sydney: And you can still eat more donut?
Me: Yeah, I'm a little piggy. *snort*
Sydney: Yeah, you're like an animal!
But she loves me a thousand in her heart!
~
Looking for the My Little Pony moms to go with the My Little Pony babies.
McKenzie: Do these ones even have moms?
Sydney: Yeah, everyone has moms. Except for hobos!
McKenzie: Hobos have moms.
Sydney: No they don't!
I think she figures they must not have moms since no one is taking care of them.
~
On our way home from the library, a car cuts in front of us in an intersection.
McKenzie: Woah! I'm so glad we didn't crash!
Sydney: Yeah, 'cause then we'd all be dead. And then we wouldn't be able to read our library books. That's a reason why it's good to not crash.
As good as any, I guess.
~
Overheard mid-conversation between Sydney and her doll.
Sydney: When you're a grown-up you don't play on the computer. You have to do important stuff like check your e-mail or play Scrabble.
Doll: Oh, I don't like Scrabble.
Sydney: See, wouldn't you like to be a kid still?
Yes, very important grown-up stuff.
~
Random moment.
Sydney: I can't feel my nostrils.
Hey, I can't feel mine either.
~
Getting ready for church, I pull out a hand-me-down denim jumper.
Me: Would you like to wear this today?
Sydney, giggling: Yes! That's so cute---it's like a lederhosen dress!
Me: laughing
Later that day...
Sydney: Remember when I said that thing about the lederhosen dress?
Me: Yes.
Sydney: That was funny.
Me: Yes, it was funny.
Sydney: You should write that down.
Good idea.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Halloween 2010 post mortem
Another holiday come and gone. 2010 disappeared right before my eyes!
The girls' costumes this year were pretty much all last minute decisions.
Fortunately for me, Sydney was content to recycle Elise's Cinderella costume from a few Halloween's past (the princess version, not the hobo version--this time):
The only thing I had to do for this costume was replace the brooch on the dress. Why are all Disney princess dresses made with a brooch featuring a picture of the princess? Who wears a brooch with a picture of themselves? It makes no sense. So I made a quick run to the craft store, and a piece of cardboard, some aluminum foil, duct tape, a safety pin and a few stick-on gems later, we had a quality piece of artisanship even the most discriminating 5 year old pretend princess would be proud to wear:
Elise was a little bit harder. She had her heart set on being Hobo Sleeping Beauty, which would be Sleeping Beauty in her non-princessy attire. I was not up for the Hobo Sleeping Beauty challenge, but after about a dozen costume ideas rejected, we finally settled on a magician.
I was originally going to construct her hat out of black posterboard (because we're ghetto like that---see aluminum foil princess brooch above), but after finding this authentic one (complete with bunny rabbit and secret disappearing compartment!) at the party store, I couldn't resist. I picked up the magic wand as well, but all the other elements we already had. Elise insisted that all magicians need a mustache. Originally, she wanted me to pick up a furry stick-on one in blonde because "it would look funny to have a black mustache with blonde hair!", but I talked her into penciling one on with black eyeliner. She looked adorable and she was so excited about her costume, which is kind of the point, I guess.
McKenzie was at a loss until I jokingly suggested Tyler's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume from like a decade ago. She was all over that idea. Obviously the green jumpsuit Tyler wore when he was four was not going to accommodate her 11 year old body, so I had to invest in a pair of green sweatpants. Everything else we already had, which is my favorite way to do costumes. I cannot begin to tell you how much I adore McKenzie's sense of humor and precocious sense of irony.
Friday afternoon Nate returned home from a weeklong business, and we spent a good portion of the evening chasing down the elusive carving pumpkin. Note to self: do not wait until the weekend of Halloween to purchase your pumpkins. We finally found some at the third grocery store.
P.S. I just realized I forgot to mention my Halloween scare! Halloween morning I was coming down the stairs all ready for church with my heels on and carrying my 3-piece luggage set (it's really just an assortment of totes, but that's what it feels like---the amount of stuff I cart to church is just ridiculous), when about halfway down I tripped, and skidded the rest of the way on my shins. It was perhaps my scariest Halloween moment ever. And maybe for my kids, as well. There may have been some screaming, and dare I admit, sobbing. I managed to escape with a 3 inch long bruise on my left forearm and a much smaller bruise and rugburn on my right shin, though both shins burned all the way to church and intermittently throughout the day. The incident left me shaken for most of the day, and it made me feel really old. I just may have to invest in a life alert necklace.
The girls' costumes this year were pretty much all last minute decisions.
Fortunately for me, Sydney was content to recycle Elise's Cinderella costume from a few Halloween's past (the princess version, not the hobo version--this time):
The only thing I had to do for this costume was replace the brooch on the dress. Why are all Disney princess dresses made with a brooch featuring a picture of the princess? Who wears a brooch with a picture of themselves? It makes no sense. So I made a quick run to the craft store, and a piece of cardboard, some aluminum foil, duct tape, a safety pin and a few stick-on gems later, we had a quality piece of artisanship even the most discriminating 5 year old pretend princess would be proud to wear:
Elise was a little bit harder. She had her heart set on being Hobo Sleeping Beauty, which would be Sleeping Beauty in her non-princessy attire. I was not up for the Hobo Sleeping Beauty challenge, but after about a dozen costume ideas rejected, we finally settled on a magician.
I was originally going to construct her hat out of black posterboard (because we're ghetto like that---see aluminum foil princess brooch above), but after finding this authentic one (complete with bunny rabbit and secret disappearing compartment!) at the party store, I couldn't resist. I picked up the magic wand as well, but all the other elements we already had. Elise insisted that all magicians need a mustache. Originally, she wanted me to pick up a furry stick-on one in blonde because "it would look funny to have a black mustache with blonde hair!", but I talked her into penciling one on with black eyeliner. She looked adorable and she was so excited about her costume, which is kind of the point, I guess.
McKenzie was at a loss until I jokingly suggested Tyler's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume from like a decade ago. She was all over that idea. Obviously the green jumpsuit Tyler wore when he was four was not going to accommodate her 11 year old body, so I had to invest in a pair of green sweatpants. Everything else we already had, which is my favorite way to do costumes. I cannot begin to tell you how much I adore McKenzie's sense of humor and precocious sense of irony.
All the girls before the church party:
Sydney's dance studio invited all the students to wear their costumes to class the week of Halloween. I didn't want to mess with the big Cinderella dress, so I had her dress in her usual ballet leotard and tutu and we added cat ears, a tail and whiskers. Sydney was a little put out that she would not be wearing her "real" costume to class and complained that everyone else would be fancier than she was. I figured there would be quite a few cat ears and painted on whiskers, but I was wrong. Pretty much every child was dressed to the hilt as princesses and fairies, strawberry shortcakes and rockstars. Everyone looked very sweet and very fancy, and I was feeling pretty guilty until I saw the 7 year old little darling with the bloody hockey mask, bloodied clothes and bloodied plastic butcher knife. The contrast was...startling.
Sydney as the feline ballerina:
Friday afternoon Nate returned home from a weeklong business, and we spent a good portion of the evening chasing down the elusive carving pumpkin. Note to self: do not wait until the weekend of Halloween to purchase your pumpkins. We finally found some at the third grocery store.
Sydney went with a Halloween classic, the cartoonized puppy, McKenzie stepped completely out of the box with a wacky face (she carved completely by herself), and Elise designed a cat silhouette that I promptly butchered, but she graciously proclaimed it her best jack-o-lantern ever.
So all in all, a successful holiday.
So all in all, a successful holiday.
P.S. I just realized I forgot to mention my Halloween scare! Halloween morning I was coming down the stairs all ready for church with my heels on and carrying my 3-piece luggage set (it's really just an assortment of totes, but that's what it feels like---the amount of stuff I cart to church is just ridiculous), when about halfway down I tripped, and skidded the rest of the way on my shins. It was perhaps my scariest Halloween moment ever. And maybe for my kids, as well. There may have been some screaming, and dare I admit, sobbing. I managed to escape with a 3 inch long bruise on my left forearm and a much smaller bruise and rugburn on my right shin, though both shins burned all the way to church and intermittently throughout the day. The incident left me shaken for most of the day, and it made me feel really old. I just may have to invest in a life alert necklace.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Spawn of Sumsion
This one was a while ago.
McKenzie: Do old people take baths or showers?
Me: I don't know. What made you think of that?
McKenzie: I don't know.
Me: It probably depends on how well they can stand.
McKenzie: What if they had to use their walkers in the shower? Maybe some do...wrapped in plastic.
"Wrapped in plaaastic."
~
Watching Tears for Fears' Mad World video.
Me: Check out his hair.
Tyler: He's got, like, an ushanka on his head.
Me: What's an ushanka?
Tyler: A Russian hat. Come on, Mom, learn your hats!
Me: Where did you learn that?
Tyler: I don't know. I think it was on Dora or something.
Obviously, I'm not watching enough Dora.
~
Tyler makes an important announcement.
Tyler: OK, everyone, Elise is no longer a Sumsion. She's watching Jonas.
Not Jonas! Oh, where did we go wrong??
~
Family togetherness.
McKenzie: The tops of your feet are soft.
Tyler: Stop feeling me, freak!
I can't fault him there.
~
Tyler makes a life-changing discovery.
Tyler: Did you know giraffes don't have vocal chords? So all these years I've been trying to figure out what sound a giraffe makes, and it doesn't make any sound. If they had one of those wheel things of the African savanna, giraffes wouldn't be on there.
All these years.
~
Random conversation with the girls.
Me: Can you imagine Tyler breakdancing?
I break out my best breakdancing moves.
Elise: You suck.
Me: What?!
Elise: At dancing!
Me: Like that makes it better?
Elise: I didn't say you suck.
Me: Yes, you did.
McKenzie: But not, like, ultimately at everything. Just dancing. Yeah, so it's almost a compliment. Turns to Elise. I got your back. They knuckle bump.
Yeah, almost.
~
I make a special request.
Me: Can you stop being weird?
Tyler: You spawned your children, you get the consequences.
Yeah, sometimes "spawned" seems an appropriate term.
McKenzie: Do old people take baths or showers?
Me: I don't know. What made you think of that?
McKenzie: I don't know.
Me: It probably depends on how well they can stand.
McKenzie: What if they had to use their walkers in the shower? Maybe some do...wrapped in plastic.
"Wrapped in plaaastic."
~
Watching Tears for Fears' Mad World video.
Me: Check out his hair.
Tyler: He's got, like, an ushanka on his head.
Me: What's an ushanka?
Tyler: A Russian hat. Come on, Mom, learn your hats!
Me: Where did you learn that?
Tyler: I don't know. I think it was on Dora or something.
Obviously, I'm not watching enough Dora.
~
Tyler makes an important announcement.
Tyler: OK, everyone, Elise is no longer a Sumsion. She's watching Jonas.
Not Jonas! Oh, where did we go wrong??
~
Family togetherness.
McKenzie: The tops of your feet are soft.
Tyler: Stop feeling me, freak!
I can't fault him there.
~
Tyler makes a life-changing discovery.
Tyler: Did you know giraffes don't have vocal chords? So all these years I've been trying to figure out what sound a giraffe makes, and it doesn't make any sound. If they had one of those wheel things of the African savanna, giraffes wouldn't be on there.
All these years.
~
Random conversation with the girls.
Me: Can you imagine Tyler breakdancing?
I break out my best breakdancing moves.
Elise: You suck.
Me: What?!
Elise: At dancing!
Me: Like that makes it better?
Elise: I didn't say you suck.
Me: Yes, you did.
McKenzie: But not, like, ultimately at everything. Just dancing. Yeah, so it's almost a compliment. Turns to Elise. I got your back. They knuckle bump.
Yeah, almost.
~
I make a special request.
Me: Can you stop being weird?
Tyler: You spawned your children, you get the consequences.
Yeah, sometimes "spawned" seems an appropriate term.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Back to school
Man, it's quiet around here. Almost too quiet. Almost.
The kids are back in school.
*Tyler had a pretty decent first day of 9th grade, declaring two of his teachers "really cool" ("My English teacher is like the guy from the old Willy Wonka!"*) and only one "kinda scary". He's at a brand new high school that's divided into smaller learning communities, so he has all of his classes except one in the same building. It's a beautiful campus.
*McKenzie had a crap first day of 5th grade. She really likes her new teacher, but has none of her old friends in her new class. The one girl she thought she'd get along with was moved to a different class. She tried hanging out with her old gang at recess, but they ditched her. Luckily, in the past few days she's found some new friends and is getting settled in.
The kids are back in school.
*Tyler had a pretty decent first day of 9th grade, declaring two of his teachers "really cool" ("My English teacher is like the guy from the old Willy Wonka!"*) and only one "kinda scary". He's at a brand new high school that's divided into smaller learning communities, so he has all of his classes except one in the same building. It's a beautiful campus.
*McKenzie had a crap first day of 5th grade. She really likes her new teacher, but has none of her old friends in her new class. The one girl she thought she'd get along with was moved to a different class. She tried hanging out with her old gang at recess, but they ditched her. Luckily, in the past few days she's found some new friends and is getting settled in.
*Elise is giddy with excitement over 3rd grade. She has her same teacher as last year (who is awesome) and plenty of friends. I'm relieved to not have to worry about her.
*Sydney has been waiting to go to "real" school forever, and is very excited her kindergarten days have finally arrived. I felt like a jerk her first day, being the only parent without a camera to document this milestone. I took pictures at home before we left. Do I really need a picture of her walking into class for the first time ever? (That wasn't a rhetorical question--lie if you have to.)
*Sydney has been waiting to go to "real" school forever, and is very excited her kindergarten days have finally arrived. I felt like a jerk her first day, being the only parent without a camera to document this milestone. I took pictures at home before we left. Do I really need a picture of her walking into class for the first time ever? (That wasn't a rhetorical question--lie if you have to.)
I have two hours until Syd's bus brings her home and then another hour and a half until it's time to pick up Tyler and then another hour and a half until it's time to pick up the girls. So what to do in the meantimes? What to do, what to do...
*Who wouldn't want Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka for their English teacher??
*Who wouldn't want Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka for their English teacher??
More random conversational tidbits
Overheard out of context.
Elise: Syd, if you have a baby in front of your husband then that baby's going to get eaten by your husband.
I don't know what this was about, but I blame Animal Planet.
~
Special request for Tyler.
Me: Can you like not make your digestive issues into a song?
It's like a 24-hr gas station around here.
~
Family together time.
McKenzie flips hair over her face and makes indecipherable barnyard noise.
Tyler: You sould like a dying goat.
Me: Why would a cow have no face and long hair?
Kenzie: I was being Chewy!
Me: Oh!
Tyler, laughing hysterically: Why would a cow have no face and long hair?
Me: That's what I wanted to know!
And I'm totally not getting "Why would a cow have no face?" thrown at me every. single. day.
~
Summer sum-up.
McKenzie: But we're your children. It's our job to annoy the crap out of you.
I love my kids.
Elise: Syd, if you have a baby in front of your husband then that baby's going to get eaten by your husband.
I don't know what this was about, but I blame Animal Planet.
~
Special request for Tyler.
Me: Can you like not make your digestive issues into a song?
It's like a 24-hr gas station around here.
~
Family together time.
McKenzie flips hair over her face and makes indecipherable barnyard noise.
Tyler: You sould like a dying goat.
Me: Why would a cow have no face and long hair?
Kenzie: I was being Chewy!
Me: Oh!
Tyler, laughing hysterically: Why would a cow have no face and long hair?
Me: That's what I wanted to know!
And I'm totally not getting "Why would a cow have no face?" thrown at me every. single. day.
~
Summer sum-up.
McKenzie: But we're your children. It's our job to annoy the crap out of you.
I love my kids.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tyler goes to camp
Tyler's been at scout camp all week. It's been strange around here without him. I've tried pouring on the sarcasm to try to fill the empty space he left behind, but it's not the same and I'm not so sure my girls have appreciated my efforts.
Here's a few Tyler moments I found on a random scratch pad.
Watching tv, sitting next to Tyler.
Me: Ew!
Nate: What'd he do?
Me: He licked my elbow! That's the second time today!
Don't worry, there hasn't been a third time.
~
Dinner conversations.
Tyler: Turtles can breathe through their butts.
McKenzie: No, they can't.
Tyler: Yes, they can. Look it up!
It's true.
~
I have no recollection of the context.
Tyler, completely straight-faced: I'm pretty good at lying. The only reason you didn't believe me was because what I said was ridiculous. But my voice and facial expressions gave nothing away.
He's an excellent liar (in a mostly harmless/ha-fooled you! way), which is why I now question everything that comes out of his mouth. Everything.
Here's a few Tyler moments I found on a random scratch pad.
Watching tv, sitting next to Tyler.
Me: Ew!
Nate: What'd he do?
Me: He licked my elbow! That's the second time today!
Don't worry, there hasn't been a third time.
~
Dinner conversations.
Tyler: Turtles can breathe through their butts.
McKenzie: No, they can't.
Tyler: Yes, they can. Look it up!
It's true.
~
I have no recollection of the context.
Tyler, completely straight-faced: I'm pretty good at lying. The only reason you didn't believe me was because what I said was ridiculous. But my voice and facial expressions gave nothing away.
He's an excellent liar (in a mostly harmless/ha-fooled you! way), which is why I now question everything that comes out of his mouth. Everything.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Here comes the smolder
In the car with Tyler.
Tyler: Are those zebra stripes on your sunglasses?
Me: Yeah, aren't they cool?
Tyler: just shakes his head.
Me: What, do my sunglasses embarrass you?
Tyler: Kind of.
Me: Right, you know you want some.
Tyler: Eyeroll.
I start to sing along with the CD.
Tyler, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, subtly leans over to turn up the volume.
I continue to sing.
Tyler turns up the volume again.
Me: Hey, that's getting a little loud.
Tyler: Yeah, I'm trying to distract myself from your singing.
Me: Harumph.
Next song I opt not to sing, but dance.
Tyler turns off the radio.
Me: Hey, I wasn't even singing to that one.
Tyler, shaking his head: Yeah, but there was nothing I could do to distract me from (makes up and down hand gesturing in my direction) that.
Me, with a pouty lip: Hey.
Tyler shoots me a look.
Me: Is that your smolder?
Tyler: Yeah, I'm pretty proud of it.
It's a pretty impressive smolder.
Tyler: Are those zebra stripes on your sunglasses?
Me: Yeah, aren't they cool?
Tyler: just shakes his head.
Me: What, do my sunglasses embarrass you?
Tyler: Kind of.
Me: Right, you know you want some.
Tyler: Eyeroll.
I start to sing along with the CD.
Tyler, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, subtly leans over to turn up the volume.
I continue to sing.
Tyler turns up the volume again.
Me: Hey, that's getting a little loud.
Tyler: Yeah, I'm trying to distract myself from your singing.
Me: Harumph.
Next song I opt not to sing, but dance.
Tyler turns off the radio.
Me: Hey, I wasn't even singing to that one.
Tyler, shaking his head: Yeah, but there was nothing I could do to distract me from (makes up and down hand gesturing in my direction) that.
Me, with a pouty lip: Hey.
Tyler shoots me a look.
Me: Is that your smolder?
Tyler: Yeah, I'm pretty proud of it.
It's a pretty impressive smolder.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
So this middle aged thing...
A couple of weeks ago, as I was helping the kids get ready for bed, I suddenly caught a glimpse of my hand and thought, "Whose hand is that?" Actually, it was more like, "Good frick! Whose old lady hand is that?!" It was wrinkly and veiny and...old. I had a momentary freakout. And when I say freakout, I mean there was a loud display of shock and dismay and just general irrational freakoutedness. My family laughed at me, but I was having a seriously intense moment of middle age crisis. Sydney came down for a drink of water later that night, and as she hugged me goodnight again she said, "I'm sorry your hands got old."
Every 4th of July, my brother and sister-in-law throw a huge Independence Day bash for Nate's side of the family. There's a different theme every year. Last year was the Amazing Race. This year it was Minute to Win It, based on a television game show where contestants have a minute to perform various random tasks. I did surprisingly well, making it into the final round of competition (there were just four of the original forty left). The final task was called paper dragon (follow the link for a video demonstration), in which each player had to un-spool two large rolls of party streamers with a continuous windmill motion of the arms. I made a valiant effort, but in the end was outdone by a 15 and 10 year old. The next morning, I could not move my shoulders without excruciating pain. The pain settled into a throbbing ache by the end of day two, and by day four I was able to wield my hair dryer without wanting to cry. I kept thinking I was just too old for this stuff.
While we were visiting with family this past week I had the lovely opportunity to see the latest Twilight movie with six of my sisters-in-law and two teenage nieces. I've decided that these movies must be seen in groups, but if you're bringing teenagers along be prepared to duck and cover when the screaming starts. After the movie, there was the obligatory discussion of who was hotter---a discussion I always have a difficult time participating in because these are young men. Like, young men. And we've already established that I am no longer a young woman. I think I brought up the cougar factor, which led to a discussion of what constitutes a cougar. Some in our group thought you would have to be at least 40 to be granted cougar status, but I said if I'm old enough to be their mother then that did it for me. I am thoroughly creeped out by the idea of someone my age finding my teenage son sexually attractive. Thoroughly.
So now I find myself thinking, if I put any stock in that old you're only as old as you feel bit, I am royally screwed.
Every 4th of July, my brother and sister-in-law throw a huge Independence Day bash for Nate's side of the family. There's a different theme every year. Last year was the Amazing Race. This year it was Minute to Win It, based on a television game show where contestants have a minute to perform various random tasks. I did surprisingly well, making it into the final round of competition (there were just four of the original forty left). The final task was called paper dragon (follow the link for a video demonstration), in which each player had to un-spool two large rolls of party streamers with a continuous windmill motion of the arms. I made a valiant effort, but in the end was outdone by a 15 and 10 year old. The next morning, I could not move my shoulders without excruciating pain. The pain settled into a throbbing ache by the end of day two, and by day four I was able to wield my hair dryer without wanting to cry. I kept thinking I was just too old for this stuff.
While we were visiting with family this past week I had the lovely opportunity to see the latest Twilight movie with six of my sisters-in-law and two teenage nieces. I've decided that these movies must be seen in groups, but if you're bringing teenagers along be prepared to duck and cover when the screaming starts. After the movie, there was the obligatory discussion of who was hotter---a discussion I always have a difficult time participating in because these are young men. Like, young men. And we've already established that I am no longer a young woman. I think I brought up the cougar factor, which led to a discussion of what constitutes a cougar. Some in our group thought you would have to be at least 40 to be granted cougar status, but I said if I'm old enough to be their mother then that did it for me. I am thoroughly creeped out by the idea of someone my age finding my teenage son sexually attractive. Thoroughly.
So now I find myself thinking, if I put any stock in that old you're only as old as you feel bit, I am royally screwed.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tales from the road
In the car.
McKenzie: I've got a wedgie.
Sydney: Don't say that, McKenzie. That's inappropriate.
Tyler: Probably from me.
McKenzie: No, probably from me.
Tyler: I say that, too.
McKenzie: Yeah, but not as much as me because you're the one always saying the inappropriate things.
That's a true statement.
~
Still in the car.
Nate: We're coming up on the cinnamon bathroom. Should we stop?
Me: Anyone need to use the bathroom?
Elise: Yes!
Me: McKenzie, do you want to use the bathroom?
McKenzie: Yes, very much so.
Sydney: This is the best bathroom in the whole wide world.
Another true statement.
~
Bedtime, towards the end of our stay.
Elise: Time is mean. Whenever you're having fun, it goes by fast. Whenever you're having so much not fun, it goes by slow.
Wisdom beyond her years.
~
And the highlight of the trip. For me.
McKenzie: You're good at painting nails.
Me: It's easier when you're not doing it to yourself. Plus, I'm old---I've had more practice.
McKenzie: You're not old, you're middle-aged.
Awesome.
McKenzie: I've got a wedgie.
Sydney: Don't say that, McKenzie. That's inappropriate.
Tyler: Probably from me.
McKenzie: No, probably from me.
Tyler: I say that, too.
McKenzie: Yeah, but not as much as me because you're the one always saying the inappropriate things.
That's a true statement.
~
Still in the car.
Nate: We're coming up on the cinnamon bathroom. Should we stop?
Me: Anyone need to use the bathroom?
Elise: Yes!
Me: McKenzie, do you want to use the bathroom?
McKenzie: Yes, very much so.
Sydney: This is the best bathroom in the whole wide world.
Another true statement.
~
Bedtime, towards the end of our stay.
Elise: Time is mean. Whenever you're having fun, it goes by fast. Whenever you're having so much not fun, it goes by slow.
Wisdom beyond her years.
~
And the highlight of the trip. For me.
McKenzie: You're good at painting nails.
Me: It's easier when you're not doing it to yourself. Plus, I'm old---I've had more practice.
McKenzie: You're not old, you're middle-aged.
Awesome.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Signs of Summer
Tucking Elise into bed last night.
Me: Cheer camp's tomorrow---you're going to have to get up a little earlier.
Elise: What time is cheer camp?
Me: Nine o'clock.
Elise: Nine o'clock in the morning?!
Nine is the new six.
Me: Cheer camp's tomorrow---you're going to have to get up a little earlier.
Elise: What time is cheer camp?
Me: Nine o'clock.
Elise: Nine o'clock in the morning?!
Nine is the new six.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Cuckoo for coconuts
One evening.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
Me: No.
Elise: Can I please have a bunny?
Me: You know you can’t have a bunny. I don’t know why you keep asking me, you will never wear me down.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
A few minutes later.
Tyler: Can I have a coconut?
Me: Like for a pet?
Tyler: No, just to have.
Me: What would you do with it?
Tyler: I’d cut it in half and bang it together to make horse sounds. I could gallop to and from school.
Speechless.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
Me: No.
Elise: Can I please have a bunny?
Me: You know you can’t have a bunny. I don’t know why you keep asking me, you will never wear me down.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
A few minutes later.
Tyler: Can I have a coconut?
Me: Like for a pet?
Tyler: No, just to have.
Me: What would you do with it?
Tyler: I’d cut it in half and bang it together to make horse sounds. I could gallop to and from school.
Speechless.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tyler says "Ugh!" to drugs
A while back, Tyler came home from school with these:
Um, why?
Bear in mind, Tyler is in 8th grade.
Hey Tyler, want to smoke some weed?
Back off, man. I don’t have time for your uncool drugs. Can’t you see I’m measuring here?
Seriously, what is the purpose?
Um, why?
Bear in mind, Tyler is in 8th grade.
Hey Tyler, want to smoke some weed?
Back off, man. I don’t have time for your uncool drugs. Can’t you see I’m measuring here?
Seriously, what is the purpose?
Occasionally the kids say something amusing
Doing McKenzie’s hair.
Me: OK, I kind of did these braids lopsided.
McKenzie: I don’t care. Nobody else is going to care. Only my loving mother. Who cares just a little too much.
It’s funny ’cause it’s true.
At the breakfast table, just after McKenzie has moisturized her face.
McKenzie: Why does dead skin always gather where my mustache should be?
Me: Should be?
McKenzie: Yeah, it’d be cool to have a mustache.
It’s actually not. Cool. Not that I would know. Ahem.
Tyler has a new recipe for exclamations.
…
In the middle of a very important video game.
Me: Tyler, you need to get your piano practicing done.
Tyler: Crap sauce!
Dinner time.
Tyler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Chicken and mashed potatoes.
Tyler: Awesome sauce!
On a Monday afternoon.
Me: No piano lessons today–they’ll start back up next week.
Tyler: Score sauce!
Secret’s in the sauce.
A different kind of recipe.
Sydney, whispering in my ear really close with hot breath: You’re my best love.
Three parts adorable, one part creepy.
I was upstairs, Syd was downstairs. Then I was downstairs, too.
Sydney, holding up a stuffed animal: Look! I cut the strings off the tag all by myself, and I didn’t even cut off my fingers!
Should I be concerned that that was a risk she seemed willing to take when she decided to wield the scissors?
In the car.
Elise: I want my husband’s name to be Nick or John. Or something else if he’s awesome. Nick or John would have to be awesome, too, of course. But if he was super awesome, I wouldn’t care what his name was.
Husband wanted: only awesome Nicks or Johns or super awesome non-Nicks or non-Johns need apply.
Me: OK, I kind of did these braids lopsided.
McKenzie: I don’t care. Nobody else is going to care. Only my loving mother. Who cares just a little too much.
It’s funny ’cause it’s true.
At the breakfast table, just after McKenzie has moisturized her face.
McKenzie: Why does dead skin always gather where my mustache should be?
Me: Should be?
McKenzie: Yeah, it’d be cool to have a mustache.
It’s actually not. Cool. Not that I would know. Ahem.
Tyler has a new recipe for exclamations.
…
In the middle of a very important video game.
Me: Tyler, you need to get your piano practicing done.
Tyler: Crap sauce!
Dinner time.
Tyler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Chicken and mashed potatoes.
Tyler: Awesome sauce!
On a Monday afternoon.
Me: No piano lessons today–they’ll start back up next week.
Tyler: Score sauce!
Secret’s in the sauce.
A different kind of recipe.
Sydney, whispering in my ear really close with hot breath: You’re my best love.
Three parts adorable, one part creepy.
I was upstairs, Syd was downstairs. Then I was downstairs, too.
Sydney, holding up a stuffed animal: Look! I cut the strings off the tag all by myself, and I didn’t even cut off my fingers!
Should I be concerned that that was a risk she seemed willing to take when she decided to wield the scissors?
In the car.
Elise: I want my husband’s name to be Nick or John. Or something else if he’s awesome. Nick or John would have to be awesome, too, of course. But if he was super awesome, I wouldn’t care what his name was.
Husband wanted: only awesome Nicks or Johns or super awesome non-Nicks or non-Johns need apply.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Born of awesomeness
Mid-conversation with McKenzie.
Me: Aren’t I full of awesomeness?
McKenzie: Yes. And that means I was born of awesomeness, which makes me the most awesome of all.
Hard to argue with that.
At the dinner table.
McKenzie: Ew, I got gravy on my elbow. Mom, could you get me a napkin?
Elise: Just lick it off.
McKenzie: I can’t lick my own elbow. That’s impossible.
Tyler, in all seriousness: It’s not impossible, but not everybody can do it. I looked on youtube for instructions how to, and it said if you can’t do it after following the instructions, then you just don’t have that talent.
Also born of awesomeness.
Me: Aren’t I full of awesomeness?
McKenzie: Yes. And that means I was born of awesomeness, which makes me the most awesome of all.
Hard to argue with that.
At the dinner table.
McKenzie: Ew, I got gravy on my elbow. Mom, could you get me a napkin?
Elise: Just lick it off.
McKenzie: I can’t lick my own elbow. That’s impossible.
Tyler, in all seriousness: It’s not impossible, but not everybody can do it. I looked on youtube for instructions how to, and it said if you can’t do it after following the instructions, then you just don’t have that talent.
Also born of awesomeness.
Tyler goes to school
Tyler does his homework on his laptop and then e-mails it to me so I can proofread and print it.
He likes to get cute with his subject lines:
“OH YEAH! KOOL-AID!”
And apparently he’s counting on me to read over his assignments carefully because he’ll embed all kinds of nonsense in the middle of his work:
Sometimes he’s less subtle:
Me: Did you turn in your lead paragraph?
I don’t bother to keep track either.
He likes to get cute with his subject lines:
“OH YEAH! KOOL-AID!”
“STOOPEED BOOK REEPOORT THEENG”
“Fridge”
“SOOSHAL STOODIES PAPEER LALOOLOOOLOLOLALALLAOOOLAOALOLAOOLLLLLAOOAOAL”
“SOCIAL STUDIES CRAP”
“BUTTS”
And apparently he’s counting on me to read over his assignments carefully because he’ll embed all kinds of nonsense in the middle of his work:
2.) Jimmy was a man, he was a man with a dream. He dreamed of eating leprechauns while they slept, and punching jaguars. Jimmy was a scary person. Sometimes he locked up cats in boxes and threw them at the ice cream man. Then the boxes exploded, and cats would fly in every direction. The ice cream man didn’t like Jimmy. The cats like the ice cream man though. They stick to him with their claws like an opossum on a Christmas tree. It was funny. Sometimes the ice cream man would say bad words, and the mama potato would have to cover up her baby potatoes’ ears. If those baby potatoes heard just one of them one time they’d be yelling it across the neighborhood for months, so it’s best to make sure their ears are covered when Jimmy throws his cats at the ice cream man.
Sometimes he’s less subtle:
His social studies class did a unit about checks and balances, which culminated in a major paper they worked on in segments. For one assignment, they had to write their lead paragraph for their teacher to review.
Me: Did you turn in your lead paragraph?
Tyler: Yeah, Mr. C said it was good.
Me: Did he give you any suggestions—anything you need to fix?
Tyler: No, he didn’t actually say anything. He just kind of read it and then set it back on my desk and moved on to the next person.
Me: And this is the same as him telling you it was good?
Tyler: Well, he didn’t say anything bad.
Me: How often do you lie to me?
Tyler: I don’t know. It’s not like I’m keeping track.
Me: Did he give you any suggestions—anything you need to fix?
Tyler: No, he didn’t actually say anything. He just kind of read it and then set it back on my desk and moved on to the next person.
Me: And this is the same as him telling you it was good?
Tyler: Well, he didn’t say anything bad.
Me: How often do you lie to me?
Tyler: I don’t know. It’s not like I’m keeping track.
I don’t bother to keep track either.
Things to scratch off the bucket list
#381: See Scar do a double axel in spandex.
Doesn't Syd looked overwhelmed with joy and excitement?
She's a little more convincing here:
I don't know what Elise enjoyed more, the cars...
...or the cotton candy...
It was a good time, but I'm still kicking myself over that $10 lemonade.
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