Tucking Elise into bed last night.
Me: Cheer camp's tomorrow---you're going to have to get up a little earlier.
Elise: What time is cheer camp?
Me: Nine o'clock.
Elise: Nine o'clock in the morning?!
Nine is the new six.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Cuckoo for coconuts
One evening.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
Me: No.
Elise: Can I please have a bunny?
Me: You know you can’t have a bunny. I don’t know why you keep asking me, you will never wear me down.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
A few minutes later.
Tyler: Can I have a coconut?
Me: Like for a pet?
Tyler: No, just to have.
Me: What would you do with it?
Tyler: I’d cut it in half and bang it together to make horse sounds. I could gallop to and from school.
Speechless.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
Me: No.
Elise: Can I please have a bunny?
Me: You know you can’t have a bunny. I don’t know why you keep asking me, you will never wear me down.
Elise: Can I have a bunny?
A few minutes later.
Tyler: Can I have a coconut?
Me: Like for a pet?
Tyler: No, just to have.
Me: What would you do with it?
Tyler: I’d cut it in half and bang it together to make horse sounds. I could gallop to and from school.
Speechless.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tyler says "Ugh!" to drugs
A while back, Tyler came home from school with these:
Um, why?
Bear in mind, Tyler is in 8th grade.
Hey Tyler, want to smoke some weed?
Back off, man. I don’t have time for your uncool drugs. Can’t you see I’m measuring here?
Seriously, what is the purpose?
Um, why?
Bear in mind, Tyler is in 8th grade.
Hey Tyler, want to smoke some weed?
Back off, man. I don’t have time for your uncool drugs. Can’t you see I’m measuring here?
Seriously, what is the purpose?
Occasionally the kids say something amusing
Doing McKenzie’s hair.
Me: OK, I kind of did these braids lopsided.
McKenzie: I don’t care. Nobody else is going to care. Only my loving mother. Who cares just a little too much.
It’s funny ’cause it’s true.
At the breakfast table, just after McKenzie has moisturized her face.
McKenzie: Why does dead skin always gather where my mustache should be?
Me: Should be?
McKenzie: Yeah, it’d be cool to have a mustache.
It’s actually not. Cool. Not that I would know. Ahem.
Tyler has a new recipe for exclamations.
…
In the middle of a very important video game.
Me: Tyler, you need to get your piano practicing done.
Tyler: Crap sauce!
Dinner time.
Tyler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Chicken and mashed potatoes.
Tyler: Awesome sauce!
On a Monday afternoon.
Me: No piano lessons today–they’ll start back up next week.
Tyler: Score sauce!
Secret’s in the sauce.
A different kind of recipe.
Sydney, whispering in my ear really close with hot breath: You’re my best love.
Three parts adorable, one part creepy.
I was upstairs, Syd was downstairs. Then I was downstairs, too.
Sydney, holding up a stuffed animal: Look! I cut the strings off the tag all by myself, and I didn’t even cut off my fingers!
Should I be concerned that that was a risk she seemed willing to take when she decided to wield the scissors?
In the car.
Elise: I want my husband’s name to be Nick or John. Or something else if he’s awesome. Nick or John would have to be awesome, too, of course. But if he was super awesome, I wouldn’t care what his name was.
Husband wanted: only awesome Nicks or Johns or super awesome non-Nicks or non-Johns need apply.
Me: OK, I kind of did these braids lopsided.
McKenzie: I don’t care. Nobody else is going to care. Only my loving mother. Who cares just a little too much.
It’s funny ’cause it’s true.
At the breakfast table, just after McKenzie has moisturized her face.
McKenzie: Why does dead skin always gather where my mustache should be?
Me: Should be?
McKenzie: Yeah, it’d be cool to have a mustache.
It’s actually not. Cool. Not that I would know. Ahem.
Tyler has a new recipe for exclamations.
…
In the middle of a very important video game.
Me: Tyler, you need to get your piano practicing done.
Tyler: Crap sauce!
Dinner time.
Tyler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Chicken and mashed potatoes.
Tyler: Awesome sauce!
On a Monday afternoon.
Me: No piano lessons today–they’ll start back up next week.
Tyler: Score sauce!
Secret’s in the sauce.
A different kind of recipe.
Sydney, whispering in my ear really close with hot breath: You’re my best love.
Three parts adorable, one part creepy.
I was upstairs, Syd was downstairs. Then I was downstairs, too.
Sydney, holding up a stuffed animal: Look! I cut the strings off the tag all by myself, and I didn’t even cut off my fingers!
Should I be concerned that that was a risk she seemed willing to take when she decided to wield the scissors?
In the car.
Elise: I want my husband’s name to be Nick or John. Or something else if he’s awesome. Nick or John would have to be awesome, too, of course. But if he was super awesome, I wouldn’t care what his name was.
Husband wanted: only awesome Nicks or Johns or super awesome non-Nicks or non-Johns need apply.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Born of awesomeness
Mid-conversation with McKenzie.
Me: Aren’t I full of awesomeness?
McKenzie: Yes. And that means I was born of awesomeness, which makes me the most awesome of all.
Hard to argue with that.
At the dinner table.
McKenzie: Ew, I got gravy on my elbow. Mom, could you get me a napkin?
Elise: Just lick it off.
McKenzie: I can’t lick my own elbow. That’s impossible.
Tyler, in all seriousness: It’s not impossible, but not everybody can do it. I looked on youtube for instructions how to, and it said if you can’t do it after following the instructions, then you just don’t have that talent.
Also born of awesomeness.
Me: Aren’t I full of awesomeness?
McKenzie: Yes. And that means I was born of awesomeness, which makes me the most awesome of all.
Hard to argue with that.
At the dinner table.
McKenzie: Ew, I got gravy on my elbow. Mom, could you get me a napkin?
Elise: Just lick it off.
McKenzie: I can’t lick my own elbow. That’s impossible.
Tyler, in all seriousness: It’s not impossible, but not everybody can do it. I looked on youtube for instructions how to, and it said if you can’t do it after following the instructions, then you just don’t have that talent.
Also born of awesomeness.
Tyler goes to school
Tyler does his homework on his laptop and then e-mails it to me so I can proofread and print it.
He likes to get cute with his subject lines:
“OH YEAH! KOOL-AID!”
And apparently he’s counting on me to read over his assignments carefully because he’ll embed all kinds of nonsense in the middle of his work:
Sometimes he’s less subtle:
Me: Did you turn in your lead paragraph?
I don’t bother to keep track either.
He likes to get cute with his subject lines:
“OH YEAH! KOOL-AID!”
“STOOPEED BOOK REEPOORT THEENG”
“Fridge”
“SOOSHAL STOODIES PAPEER LALOOLOOOLOLOLALALLAOOOLAOALOLAOOLLLLLAOOAOAL”
“SOCIAL STUDIES CRAP”
“BUTTS”
And apparently he’s counting on me to read over his assignments carefully because he’ll embed all kinds of nonsense in the middle of his work:
2.) Jimmy was a man, he was a man with a dream. He dreamed of eating leprechauns while they slept, and punching jaguars. Jimmy was a scary person. Sometimes he locked up cats in boxes and threw them at the ice cream man. Then the boxes exploded, and cats would fly in every direction. The ice cream man didn’t like Jimmy. The cats like the ice cream man though. They stick to him with their claws like an opossum on a Christmas tree. It was funny. Sometimes the ice cream man would say bad words, and the mama potato would have to cover up her baby potatoes’ ears. If those baby potatoes heard just one of them one time they’d be yelling it across the neighborhood for months, so it’s best to make sure their ears are covered when Jimmy throws his cats at the ice cream man.
Sometimes he’s less subtle:
His social studies class did a unit about checks and balances, which culminated in a major paper they worked on in segments. For one assignment, they had to write their lead paragraph for their teacher to review.
Me: Did you turn in your lead paragraph?
Tyler: Yeah, Mr. C said it was good.
Me: Did he give you any suggestions—anything you need to fix?
Tyler: No, he didn’t actually say anything. He just kind of read it and then set it back on my desk and moved on to the next person.
Me: And this is the same as him telling you it was good?
Tyler: Well, he didn’t say anything bad.
Me: How often do you lie to me?
Tyler: I don’t know. It’s not like I’m keeping track.
Me: Did he give you any suggestions—anything you need to fix?
Tyler: No, he didn’t actually say anything. He just kind of read it and then set it back on my desk and moved on to the next person.
Me: And this is the same as him telling you it was good?
Tyler: Well, he didn’t say anything bad.
Me: How often do you lie to me?
Tyler: I don’t know. It’s not like I’m keeping track.
I don’t bother to keep track either.
Things to scratch off the bucket list
#381: See Scar do a double axel in spandex.
Doesn't Syd looked overwhelmed with joy and excitement?
She's a little more convincing here:
I don't know what Elise enjoyed more, the cars...
...or the cotton candy...
It was a good time, but I'm still kicking myself over that $10 lemonade.
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